Now, ANY amount of sausage, alcohol, bacon, etc. can cause cancer.

A new set of health guidelines, released by the World Cancer Research Fund (WCRF) says that people can reduce their risk of cancer about 40% by completely eliminating alcohol, bacon, sausage, fatty meats, and beer from their diets.

The recommendations are part of a “ten point plan” that the WCRF says can help nearly halve your chances of getting cancer — though their guidelines may put a significant dent in your quality of life.

The most dangerous meats include any rare or raw red meat (pork, beef, and lamb, specifically), hamburgers and hot dogs, but the WCRF and their European Union colleagues say if you want to stay cancer-free (at least, when it comes to those cancers where genetic disposition isn’t a risk factor), you should avoid all but the “occasional” bacon sandwich or sip of beer.

Being obese, they report, raises your chances of getting cancer significantly, and the easiest way to avoid obesity is to eat healthy foods, and practice a healthy and active lifestyle. If you can’t do that, though, you may need to pursue more extreme measures.

The WCRF says their study, which produced the horrifying recommendations, is the largest cancer study ever conducted, and involved more than 50 million individuals, 3.5 million of whom were eventually diagnosed with cancer. The result? The WCRF found that “no level of intake can confidently be associated with a lack of risk of bowel cancer.”

The good news, all you meat eaters out there, is that humans don’t live forever, anyway, so you can still take your chances.

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  1. grayjohn says:

    So the WCRF is controlled by Muslims…I’m shocked! Shocked I tell you!

  2. Deplorable B Woodman says:

    WHAT!! Heresy! Pure heresy! Hang them all! Reduce their carbon footprint! Hang them all!

  3. Leonard Jones says:

    Jeff Wayne, a conservative comedian once did a bit about bacon. “Experts, say
    that bacon takes 5 years off your life. Fuck it, its worth the smell alone!”

  4. bogsidebunny says:


    Don’t forget all that “poison” you ingest lowers your Testosterone levels thus eradicating your rabid randy appetite. You’ll turn into a drooling eunuch with balls shriveled to the size of dehydrated peas. Eat more tofu and organic rice if you want to keep the ladies happy.

  5. Deplorable B Woodman says:

    Unfortunately for you, I know it’s a scam when you’re talking.
    It may be poison, but only if I die while digesting it.
    Now pass that bacon wrapped rare steak, STAT!

  6. Leonard Jones says:

    Woodman, a good bacon wrapped Filet Mignon is almost better than sex!

    I have been listening to these fucking pseudoscientific assholes for more than
    50 of my 63 years. One day x will kill you and a few years later we are told
    that x is good for you. Sugar, fats, carbs, grains, meats, etc., are going to
    take years off your life. Eat a hot dog and you are going to die from nitrates,
    bacon will kill you, you risk mercury poisoning if you eat seafood, etc.

    As a science geek at age 14, I calculated the distance to the nearest star
    in miles on a piece of posterboard, so I have a sense of distance and scale.
    There is no way that these idiots can even understand that they are taking
    advantage of the fact that modern science can detect parts per billion,
    or how harmless substances are at that level. But cyanide, dioxin, and
    DDT, radionuclides, lead, mercury, etc., exists in our bodies in minute
    quantities. Shit, I could ingest 50PPB in my morning coffe for my entire
    life and never suffer a health effect!

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