To Save Time, The Babylon Bee Will Now Just Republish Everything Biden Says Verbatim

The Bible tells us to work smarter, not harder. Or, better yet, don’t work at all if you can help it. You can look it up. It’s in the Proverbs somewhere.

That’s why we’re announcing today that we will simply be republishing everything Joe Biden says word for word rather than spending a lot of time and effort writing satire.

We at The Babylon Bee realized we were spending all this time trying to satirize Joe Biden when, frankly, he just can’t be satirized. He’s doing all the hard work for us with statements like “You ain’t black!” and, of gun violence, that “150 million people have been killed since 2007.”

Every day is a real grind when we arrive at the sprawling Babylon Bee headquarters, settle in on our throne of Chick-fil-A sandwiches, and boot up the ol’ PC to check what Biden said over the past 24 hours. We’re tired of trying to out-parody things like “I got hairy legs that turn blonde in the sun and the kids used to reach in the pool and rub my leg down and watch the hair come back up again” and “Corn Pop was a bad dude.”

Like, what do you do with that? Seriously. Go ahead. Try to satirize it. Anything you do just doesn’t have that perfect mix of absurdity and reality that makes satire work so effective at communicating truth. So we’re throwing in the towel.

We’d also like to take this opportunity to thank Joe Biden for being such a great satirical performance artist. You’re the real hero, Joe. The people really need comedy in a time like this, and you’re doing a great job. Keep it up!

Finally, laugh at these hilarious Babylon Bee headlines from our new best satirist, Joe Biden:

* Biden: ‘Poor Kids Are Just As Bright As White Kids’
* Joe Biden Says All Men And Women Are Created By You Know The Thing
* Presidential Candidate Nibbles On His Wife’s Fingers
* Joe Biden: ‘I’m Going To Beat Joe Biden’
* ‘Go To Joe 30330’ Says Joe
* Biden Tells Campaign Rally ‘We Choose Truth Over Facts’
* Joe Biden Calls Iowa Man ‘Fat’ And A ‘[FLOWERBED] Liar’

You can look forward to lots more content coming from your new favorite Babylon Bee writer any moment now.

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Shooter Released After Authorities Determine All Victims Died Of COVID

KENTON, WA—A gunman was released from police custody on Thursday after it was determined by experts that the people he had shot were victims of COVID-19 and not his psychotic bloodlust-induced blind-firing rage-spree death-binge through downtown Kenton last week with three AR-15’s, seventeen uzis, and one bazooka and zero clothes on. “Our apologies,” said officers as they unlocked the man’s cuffs and let him walk free, snickering and shaking like a lunatic with drool hanging from his chin.

Specialists from Washington’s capitol quickly determined that the victims were clearly COVID-19 casualties. The local coroner attempted to push back citing the literal pegboard pattern of bullet holes littered about the scene and the bodies of the victims. He was promptly fired. “COVID-19 strikes again. Chalk it up,” said COVID response agent Jonathan Smith.

The shooter’s identity has been protected since he committed no crime. “If you shoot a bunch of people and it has no effect on them, that’s not a crime. The effect is the crime if you think about it,” explained Governor Inslee. “What we have here is a matter of a guy shooting people who had died a split second before his bullet hit them of a completely different thing. If this man is guilty of anything, it’s incredibly bad timing.”

Inslee was asked what he would do if the shooter went back on the streets and began firing on citizens again—which he did immediately. “To jump to conclusions about these things is reckless. You can’t immediately link a bunch of bullets to death,” said Inslee. “Especially in a time like this when almost all death is COVID related. This is science denial and if you deny science on my watch, you will face harsh repercussions.”

The briefing was cut short after a hail of bullets could be heard nearby and officers began shouting, “COVID! GET DOWN! IT’S THE VIRUS!”

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Woman goes to bank.

Gets told, “no mask, no service.”

She drops trou, slips off her panties and puts them over her head.

Of course, of all the stories I’ve been to none of the videos can be embedded in WordPress.

A Ukrainian woman has gone viral for removing her panties and wearing them as a mask after being refused service at a post office, according to a report.

The woman was caught pulling off the stunt on surveillance footage at the Nova Posha post office in Kiev, where she walked up to the counter without a face covering, the Sun reported.

When told that she would not be provided service without a required mask, the flustered woman removed her pants in front of stunned customers — then took off her white panties and placed them over her face.

Witnesses said the woman is a mother of two who was unhappy with safety measures imposed amid the coronavirus pandemic.

“Well, she found a way around it,” one person said in a social media post. “No one has banned the use of panties instead of a mask yet!”

Another user said: “She was lucky she wasn’t wearing a thong that day, otherwise the idea would have failed!”

The video was posted online by a postal employee who now faces punishment for sharing the footage.

In April, Ukrainian authorities ordered all residents to carry an ID and wear a mask in public.

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Dan Bongino: The Obama Order That Changed Everything

The Dan Bongino Show
The Bongino Report

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Well, that’s what I got out of this story:

The Air Force has removed the initial height requirements for officers who wish to become aviators, which it feared was discouraging women from even applying to become pilots.

As of May 13, the Air Force said in a Thursday release, initial applicants who want to become aviators no longer require waivers if they are shorter than 5′4″ or taller than 6′5″ when standing, or 34 inches to 40 inches while sitting.

“We’re really focused on identifying and eliminating barriers to serve in the Air Force,” Gwendolyn DeFilippi, assistant deputy chief of staff for manpower, personnel and services, said in the release. DeFilippi is chairwoman of the Air Force’s Barrier Analysis Working Group. “This is a huge win, especially for women and minorities of smaller stature who previously may have assumed they weren’t qualified to join our team.”

The old initial height requirements ensured applicants would be able to fly all aircraft in the Air Force’s fleet.

But people who were a little shorter or a little taller than that range, though they may not have been able to fit in every air frame, could still fly some aircraft. For example, former Dallas Cowboy and Air Force Academy football star Chad Hennings’ six-foot-six frame fit in the A-10 Warthog’s domed canopy, which he flew over Iraq during Operation Provide Comfort.

Maj. Gen. Craig Wills, commander of the 19th Air Force, said in an interview last November that aspiring aviators who applied, but fell out of that height range, were automatically placed into the waiver process. The Air Force was being generous with its waivers, he said, and tried to find something an applicant could fly. Wills said at the time that since 2015, the Air Force approved 87 percent of height waiver requests.

But at a time when the Air Force is struggling to close a 2,000-airman pilot shortfall, and encourage more women to apply, Wills and other Air Force leaders feared the height requirement — even with waivers — proved to be a deterrent.

Wills said last year that 43.5 percent of American women between the ages of 20 and 29 are 5′4″ or less. That means a lot of potential pilots were told before even starting the process that they wouldn’t qualify, and they may not have known they could probably get a waiver, he said.

“Studies have shown that women’s perceptions about being fully qualified for a job makes them less likely to apply, even though there is a waiver option,” Lt. Col. Jessica Ruttenber, the leader of the Women’s Initiative Team, who led the height standards adjustment effort. “Modifying the height standard allows the Air Force to accommodate a larger and more diverse rated applicant pool within existing aircraft constraints.”

The Air Force is worried about a lack of diversity in its overwhelmingly white and male pilot ranks. Last year, the service said that about 6 percent of its pilots are women, and 7 percent are minorities.

Former Air Force Secretary Deborah Lee James in 2015 announced a series of moves to improve opportunities for women and minorities, including an expanded use of height waivers for pilots.

Instead of a blanket height requirement, the Air Force said that it will apply an “anthropometric screening process” to figure out which specific aircraft applicants would be able to fly. These measurements, in addition to standing height, also measure an applicant’s eye height while sitting, buttocks-to-knee length, and arm span, are entered into a computer to determine which aircraft the applicant could and could not safely fit in.

The age of much of the Air Force’s fleet is also a factor. When many Air Force’s planes were designed decades ago, women were not allowed to fly in the service. As a result, Ruttenber said that most Air Force aircraft were designed around the average height of men.


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